Psalm 139

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

The second ultrasound revealed that our baby had not developed past the sixth week, was malformed, and had no cardiac activity. We are incredibly sad, of course, but I do believe that the Lord prepared me for this outcome after the initial readings on Wednesday. After a consultation with our OB, I opted to have surgery rather than wait or initiate a miscarriage. I didn't think I could handle the wait and subsequent pain. I'm a "get things done" kind of gal. Honestly, none of the options were easy to consider, but being on this side of the surgery, I have to say I am glad that I made that decision.

I am doing fine - physically and emotionally. The surgery went well and I feel pretty much normal again, if a little sore and tired. I am grateful to have a normal appetite again, as well. As I said, we're sad and I'm sure there will be moments or days when I just want to cry my eyes out with the loss. But I have a strong faith that God has something better for us and for that baby and so that helps to comfort.

I have the most wonderful husband in Beau. My love for him grows more deeply with each day and this process/crisis has drawn us together in a way that's hard to explain. For only having known each other for a little over a year, we know each other so well and it is so clear that we were made for one another. I am thankful to have him in my life.

We've gotten a lot of great support from our families and our church small group. We were hesitant to know how to share the news with the small group that we had only just announced the pregnancy to. Their immediate concern and grief was humbling and their prayers for us sweet. We know that there are so many others who are praying for and with us at this time and we are unspeakably grateful.

So I'll end this post with the thought that crossed my mind as we drove home from small group last night. I was trying to think how I would share the news on the blogs and I immediately thought of when we get to heaven. I've always looked forward to being greeted by Jesus and welcomed by his, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Now I look forward to seeing our never been born first baby, whole and perfectly formed and grown, standing there as well, "Welcome home, Mom and Dad. I've been waiting to show you around."

We will try again, so this blog will be on hiatus until I'm ready to announce Baby Speaks, Part Two.