Psalm 139

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

The second ultrasound revealed that our baby had not developed past the sixth week, was malformed, and had no cardiac activity. We are incredibly sad, of course, but I do believe that the Lord prepared me for this outcome after the initial readings on Wednesday. After a consultation with our OB, I opted to have surgery rather than wait or initiate a miscarriage. I didn't think I could handle the wait and subsequent pain. I'm a "get things done" kind of gal. Honestly, none of the options were easy to consider, but being on this side of the surgery, I have to say I am glad that I made that decision.

I am doing fine - physically and emotionally. The surgery went well and I feel pretty much normal again, if a little sore and tired. I am grateful to have a normal appetite again, as well. As I said, we're sad and I'm sure there will be moments or days when I just want to cry my eyes out with the loss. But I have a strong faith that God has something better for us and for that baby and so that helps to comfort.

I have the most wonderful husband in Beau. My love for him grows more deeply with each day and this process/crisis has drawn us together in a way that's hard to explain. For only having known each other for a little over a year, we know each other so well and it is so clear that we were made for one another. I am thankful to have him in my life.

We've gotten a lot of great support from our families and our church small group. We were hesitant to know how to share the news with the small group that we had only just announced the pregnancy to. Their immediate concern and grief was humbling and their prayers for us sweet. We know that there are so many others who are praying for and with us at this time and we are unspeakably grateful.

So I'll end this post with the thought that crossed my mind as we drove home from small group last night. I was trying to think how I would share the news on the blogs and I immediately thought of when we get to heaven. I've always looked forward to being greeted by Jesus and welcomed by his, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Now I look forward to seeing our never been born first baby, whole and perfectly formed and grown, standing there as well, "Welcome home, Mom and Dad. I've been waiting to show you around."

We will try again, so this blog will be on hiatus until I'm ready to announce Baby Speaks, Part Two.

The First Prenatal Appointment

I went in for my first prenatal visit with my new OB/GYN. She is very nice and spent quite a long time with me, explaining just about everything and offering free samples of vitamins. She ran through the extra testing they do with mothers over 35 years of age, which I expected and pleasantly learned are mostly optional. So I may opt out of the amnio and CVS tests since they are the more intrusive to the baby.

She did an ultrasound (sorry, no pictures) and I saw the blob of baby. It's about the size of a peanut. She tried to find the heartbeat (visually) with no success, so she set up an appointment for me to go to a radiologist tomorrow morning for a better ultrasound done by experts on newer equipment. She didn't sound too concerned so I'm not too worried, although I feel almost normal today so I couldnt' help but think that maybe I feel almost normal because there isn't a heartbeat anymore. But I'm not really a worrier, so it was a fleeting thought and I'm sure everything is fine. I'll know for sure tomorrow.

Our official due date is November 8 - so my Dad will get a third grandchild for his birthday on the 7th.

My next appointment is April 26 - at the 12 week point.

The Violence of It

I was getting ready to go upstairs to take my shower this morning when it hit me. This was not the light heaves I've battled for the past couple of weeks. This was going to be spectacular and the toilet was going to be required.

So I ran, with my hand over my mouth, to the hall bathroom and then spent a good five minutes hanging over the bowl in the dark. I figured out that the dark helps.

Beau was a trooper, bringing paper towels upon my request and giving a big hug when it was over. And then we shared a few giggles - mine in relief, his in disbelief - because I felt instantly better.

I guess the baby is doing fine.

Managing Morning Sickness

I've figured out that if I eat every half hour or so, I can keep the nausea at bay. That's great until about 8pm, when I hit a wall and simply cannot put another morsel of food in my mouth. At that point, I'm eating antacids so that I don't have acid reflux when I go to bed. And I went to bed at about that time this weekend to escape the need to keep eating.

It's a vicious cycle.

Also, I'm over Saltines, although they are next to my bed, in the car, and next to the recliner as a back up puke avoidance system. Right now, my snacks of choice are:

1. Sausage biscuits - Jimmy Dean/Sara Lee have a pack of these that heat well in the microwave in about 25-30 seconds.

2. Hot dogs - terribly not healthy, but they provide the protein I need when I've overloaded on too many carbohydrates.

3. Cheerios - I'll eat the occasional bowl of Cheerios with Lactaid milk since I'm a little lactose intolerant.

4. Haagen Daas Peach sorbet - this stuff is delicious and provides a cool alternative to the water I seem to be limited to drinking (I have no interest in any other beverages). And the first ingredient is pureed peaches, so while it does have a lot of sugar, I'm still getting some fruit. This is the only sweet thing I can tolerate, too. I'm totally off the sweets.

5. Cheese - when I'm needing protein, I eat cheese, which also provides some calcium. Yesterday, sliced white cheddar with tortilla chips was a great snack.

6. My mother's scones - I asked her yesterday if she would hook me up with a constant supply of her scones. They aren't too sweet like some scones can be and they are the perfect 2-bite snack food.

Today I added Ritz Sticks, only because the box was in the cabinet and they're a new food item. I'm getting tired of eating the same stuff all day long.

At least it's keeping the puking away.

Less Girly

I was told the color scheme was decidedly girly here. I was going for peach, but I think the hue of the peach color I had going looked too pink on some computer screens. Hence the change to green. More neutral. And I'm searching for a green background tile to match.

The First Puke

... Occurred this morning.

I was getting ready to blow dry my hair when the signal went out. I grabbed a ponytail elastic to gather my hair back, lifted the lid to the toilet, and proceeded to sing praise to the porcelain.

It wasn't much and I felt better immediately.

Once in the car on the way to work, I got hungry so I stopped at McDonalds and enjoyed a sausage biscuit with egg and hash browns. Here's hoping that doesn't come back later.

I tell myself that this means baby is good. It's the only solace, really.

That's Just Awful

So my doc said that because of my slight anemia I needed to take extra iron in addition to the prenatal vitamins - not so much for the baby but for my own health. I've done that in the past when the doctor mentioned it, so I stopped to buy some on the way home from work last night. I took one of the tablets with dinner and then suffered the rest of the night. It kept me up most of the night and I'm still suffering this morning - nausea that will not quit and this is not the normal queasiness of my morning sickness. Eating hasn't helped.

I am resolved that I will not take another one of those tablets until I'm done with the morning sickness. If I get the same result at that point then I'll have to live with anemia. This is completely unbearable.

Wonky in Firefox

I don't know why the page doesn't look right in Firefox. Techies?

"I Knew It!"

So I told My Boss pretty up front. I went into his office and closed the door, sat down and said, "I'm pregnant."

To which he responded, "I knew it!"

Apparently he and his wife have been speculating about how long it would take for us to get pregnant. He said he's excited for us and that he is happy to work with me on a modified work schedule after the baby comes so that he doesn't lose me and I don't have to quit or have my kid in daycare full time. We'll see how that goes, but I was happy about his response.

As he said, "You have to trust God with these things."

Don't we know it!

Initial Confirmation

I went in for my physical today. The doc says my bloodwork all came back at normal levels, except that I'm slightly anemic. That's not unusual for me and she asked me to take an iron supplement in addition to the prenatal vitamins. So I got a clean bill of health and was referred to an OB for follow-up on the baby. I'm figuring that doctor will want to wait a couple more weeks before seeing me - I'll be at the 8 week point by then.

In the meantime, I'm a little more nauseated today, so while I was thinking about waiting for the baby check to tell my boss, I don't know that I'll be able to hide my queasiness from him for very much longer.

And I'm a big blabbermouth.

Globus Sensation

So for the past 9-10 days or so I have had the feeling of something stuck in my throat. When the fever came I attributed the sensation to my cold and took comfort that it would be short-lived. And that still may be the case, however, I mentioned it to my mother yesterday and she, being Dr. Mom, said, "Um, I hate to tell you this, but you may have that for the whole pregnancy."

Wha'???

Turns out this chick we know had globus sensation throughout her entire pregnancy. As soon as she delivered her baby, it was gone. Apparently, it's tied to the slow down of esophegeal function tied to pregnancy that causes increased heartburn and other similar discomforts.

This news makes me tres unhappy at the thought of living with this annoyance for the next 8 months.

Now I understand why mothers hold these pregnancy things over their children.

I plan to ask the doc about it tomorrow.

Not Much To Update

I'm grateful to be over the cold finally. Now my dad has it, poor man.

I'm anxious to go to the doctor tomorrow - not because I'm worried about anything but because I want the official confirmation and "professionally" determined due date. And also to make sure everything is progressing as it should and to let her know about my illness last week.

According to all that I've read, I am about 5 weeks pregnant but in the sixth week of pregnancy. The whole counting this is confusing.

I'm one of the lucky ones who will have evening sickness. I seem to wake up feeling OK, I eat well until about mid-afternoon and then I start to feel a little off with no appetite. Makes the sickness tough when you don't want to eat, but you feel nauseous because you've not eaten. Anyway, I say lucky because I really don't want to have to deal with nausea at work.

So far, these seem to be working, too. Nice.

Much Better

The corner has turned on this cold. No fever. I can breathe with no sinus pressure or pain. No headache. Slight cough, but that is a lot looser than it was yesterday. Finally.

Still not much morning sickness, although I definitely get warning signs when I eat too much and it's worse at night. So my version of this pregnancy malady maybe the nighttime version. Joy. But so far, so good.

I put three more Fetal Greetings in the mail today - Beau's Sis, brother, and great nephew (who is 18 months old, but the card was cutely appropriate to send to him to announce it to his parents). I plan to mail cards to my extended family tomorrow. And then to the friends after my doctor's appointment on Tuesday.

What's weird is that some of those friends still need to receive wedding thank yous from us. So I'm going to try to get those out in the mail before we send the pregnancy announcements.

The Blog Title is Apropro

Prepare for more complaining. The barometric pressure is changing today as a warm front comes in and my head feels like it's going to explode from the sinus pressure. I'm getting helpful advice from everyone on which decongestant works best for them. Since I am not ready to share baby with my workplace yet, I listen, nod, and thank them kindly for their concern.

One guy was bold enough to ask why I hadn't taken anything. Fortunately, I was able to say, "I don't have anything here to take," which is not a lie.

I did more research on decongestants and there was one website that said to go ahead and take a decongestant if you have unbearable nasal congestion. I'm almost at that point today.

Oh, and I just had to add money to our postage machine, which involves unplugging the fax machine and plugging in the phone cord from the postal unit. The plug is in the floor under one of those plastic carpet protector mats. I had to almost lie down on the floor to relieve the pressure - I was seeing spots.

Sad.

Simply Miserable

Still dealing with the fever and cold symptoms. I don't like that I'm still having the fever because it's bad for the baby. The other symptoms are no fun either. At least I'm not fully into morning sickness on top of this. I'm at the point of having to be at work despite being this sick - I have no leave to take. So I'm going to just have to gut it out.

Beau's parents got their announcement on Monday. He plan to to call his sister and brother tonight, I think, to let them know. Or maybe we're sending them the announcement cards still. I can't remember because we've gone back and forth on it.

So far the response has been generally positive. Holly called us yesterday when ECD told her - she said that her "other aunt" said we should have waited until we'd been married a year. Maybe, but we're not getting any younger either. So we'll go with what God has given us.

Worry About Fever

So I've been running a low grade fever since yesterday. At first I was reluctant to take anything to reduce the fever, but I did a little reading and discovered that the fever is more dangerous to the baby at this point than the Tylenol so I am taking that. But I am worried about it. If I still have the fever tomorrow then I may stop in at my doctor's office after I leave the lab since it is right there.

The Word Is Getting Out

I told my mother on Saturday and then when I saw Joan and CH later that day I told them as well. Mom told Dad, so he knew when we saw him at church later for the Gospel of John performance.

We mailed a Fetal Greeting card to Beau's parents and to Jaynee and Denis. We will mail cards to Beau's Sis and his brother on Wednesday and then to my extended family here locally.

I had given a card to my mother to give to Granddad when she saw him on Sunday. She took it over so that he would get it when he arrived home on Saturday. He's very excited to know about the baby.

ECD is in town today, so we told her at lunch. She's excited and we gave her one of the Fetal Greeting cards to take to Holly.

It's fun to see how everyone is reacting - mostly joyous shock. I can't wait for the razzing from the Cooties.

Brain Damage

While I realize that pregnancy does not cause brain damage, I have to wonder if the extra hormones aren't affecting my mental capacity somehow. I am forgetful and I'm having a hard time doing the simplest things. Like spell - I have to continually check my spelling in my posts. I'm not talking typos, but actual misspellings because my brain dropped out or something.

It's frustrating and weird.

Start Spreading the News

I think we're going to tell my parents tomorrow. There's a thing at our church tomorrow night and we're all planning to go. I can't keep a secret from them and there's no point in not telling them really.

I need to find out how Beau wants to tell his parents.

We're planning to mail out the Fetal Greetings cards (which I ordered the other day and should arrive today) to the extended family and some close friends. From there we'll let the news trickle out after my first prenatal appointment.

We're getting more excited about the baby as the idea of the reality of it continues to sink in. We're in for a fun ride.